April 1, 2012
Plot Device Power Rankings: Teen Beat (Literally) Edition

Dear, sweet, bow-happy Katniss, that girl can’t help but go a-murderin’ every other film that comes in her line of sight. It would be a bloodbath if not for the PG-13 rating, thank the gods.

This week’s Plot Device Power Rankings have indeed been bested by the Tween Juggernaut (actually, I’d watch a movie called “Tween Juggernaut”), but it’s also got plenty of new entrants just salivating to take it down. Like a documentary on bullying! How appropriate. And let’s not forget Greek Mythology, which if I understand it correctly boils down to Liam Neeson is punching things again. Man that guy likes punching.  

PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 13 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:

1.) The odds, and the bank, continue to be in Katniss’ favor, or Running Man: The Teen Years! (Last week: 1)

2.) Sam Worthington and Liam Neeson romp through Greek mythology in THREE DIMENSIONS. (Last week: XXVLI)

3.) A hooker with a heart of gold bests a fair tale princess. I’m just assuming that’s the only reason the world wanted a decidedly quirky Snow White remake (opposed to, you know, the other Snow White remake…) (Last week: N/A)

4.) Hollywood once again provides the answer to the question the public continues to forget: Channing Tatum? Him? (Last week: 2)

5.) Twixt and Twain the beast did romp, hither and yon, in 3D it stomped, it’s fiery orange ‘stache a message betrayed, ” GREAT SEUSS! WHAT CASH WE’VE MADE THIS DAY!” (Last week: 3)

6.) Tim Riggins attempts to save mars, exposes the House of Mouse to further risk. (Last week: 4)

7.) Kids party aggressively, learn life lessons about consequences and energy drinks. Just kidding bro, have another Bud Light Lime and punch a rainbow! (Last week: Steady at 7) 

8.) Oh hey, it’s a documentary about Bullying that’s got plenty of buzz and an important subject, but you probably won’t see because it’s unrated! Go find your indie cinema (Last week: R, no, NR, no R…)

9.) Stiffler gets his Slap Shot on! Wait, that sounded wrong. HOCKEY MOVIE! (Last week: 1…in Canada)

10.) Will Ferrell speaks spanish for 84 minutes, audience laughs for 65 minutes (Last week: Nueve)

11.) Looks like James Cameron is sinking that boat again. That guy loves the ocean. Also, money. (Last week: At the bottom of the Mariana Trench…or 1997)

12.) Jason Biggs continues to hump pastry into a new decade (Last week: Stuck in 1999)

13.) Remember when the zeitgeist told us Eddie Murphy was BACK? How’s that working out? (Last week: 9)

15.) Jason Segel. Ed Helms. Simmer, freak out, repeat.  (Last week: N/A)

And in a holding pattern:

19.) This jive-talking car might just save your life!

32.) Jason Statham gets shirtless and punches.

36.) There’s only one man who can break into that maximum security clown prison!

53.) The Animated Adventures of Buddy Hackett!

68.) Those zombies have our time machine!

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