Guess what happened in theaters? Geeks won, the universe was tipped out of balance and something Joss Whedon made chalked up more than $200 million in just three days. So, either this is the end of days or we’ve reached a shiny new era of cinema bliss. I’m betting on that apocalypse thing. Good thing there’s a team of civically minded heroes ready to fight back evil.
Summer just started, and it’s likely going to destroy Manhattan again. And again.
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 18 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
Like the small boulders tumbling ahead of the inexorable avalanche, this week’s movies at the box office are enjoying their brief moment in the sun before being swept under.
Seriously, it’s like the guys who held the world title when Muhammad Ali was stripped of his title; sure, their name’s in the record books, but they’re not getting their own video game.
So head out to the cinemamegaplex this week, soak up some middling place holders in cool, uncrowded conditions, and watch the staff batten down the hatches, ‘cause the Summer officially begins next week.
And it’s wearing a cape…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 17 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
Well, our long national nightmare is finally over, as the weapon-wielding throngs of hot teens in leather tongs has, after a month at the top, succumbed to…a self-help book?
Yup, in the absence of anything better to do as they wait, slobberingly, for The Avengers next week, audiences semi-thronged to an African-American omnibus romantic roundelay based on the comedy stylings of standup (and Family Feud maven) Steve Harvey’s relationshippy humor tome Think Like a Man. Which should be an encouraging sign, in that the cast, director, and writer of the #1 movie in America are all black. Except, you know, that it costars a notorious woman-beater and isn’t supposed to be very good.
At least Tyler Perry wasn’t involved…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 16 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
As Hollywood continues to trot out sacrificial lambs to be photogenically-slaughtered by pretty teenagers (at least until The Avengers comes along), we’re in something of a holding pattern here in Power Rankings headquarters. Not that there’s not cinematic grist for our particular critical snark-mill…it’s just that the comedy bread this week is a little thin. Kinda mealy. Seriously, you’re gonna be hungry about an hour after devouring this week’s…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 15 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
Dear, sweet, bow-happy Katniss, that girl can’t help but go a-murderin’ every other film that comes in her line of sight. It would be a bloodbath if not for the PG-13 rating, thank the gods.
This week’s Plot Device Power Rankings have indeed been bested by the Tween Juggernaut (actually, I’d watch a movie called “Tween Juggernaut”), but it’s also got plenty of new entrants just salivating to take it down. Like a documentary on bullying! How appropriate. And let’s not forget Greek Mythology, which if I understand it correctly boils down to Liam Neeson is punching things again. Man that guy likes punching.
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 13 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
But I kid the latest young adult fantasy franchise juggernaut we all must watch, as per court order.
All other contenders be but mere pretenders in the kingdom of the murderous teens murdering murderous teens, but we at Brannigan’s Law, as ever, vow to cast our gaze past the franchised billboards plastering the cinematic landscape and note the rise and fall of even the least hype-happy cinematic trope trying to grab some screen time. Even if destiny decrees that a huge heap of slaughtered Dr. Seuss characters, TV show adaptations, fallen would-be blockbusters, and assorted unheralded indie so-and-sos lay bleeding at the feet of some pretty teenagers…with your wallet in their sights.
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 12 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
With the Lorax’s fuzzy, petrochemical-fueled deathgrip on the top spot starting to weaken, and John Carter’s Martian gravity-aided triple-jumps failing like Wile E. Coyote’s, the top spot this week belongs to a Starsky & Hutch-style spoof of an old TV show.
And while we hear it’s not the abysmal, soul-crushing butt-burger it by all rights should have been (note to Colombia Pictures: feel free to use that quote on the poster), we’re more than a little pants-crappingly terrified at the impending resurgence of crappy TV shows-turned movies this is going to unleash in the near future.
Boy Meets World: The Movie? Already optioned by Sony. Silver Spoons: The Movie? Rick Schroeder’s on board for a cameo. Just the Ten of Us: The Movie? Billy Ray Cyrus already has a treatment in place for his existing daughters and eight of his next ten ejaculations.
Hug your loved ones close and stock up on some canned goods, people- it’s gonna be a rough few years…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 11 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON
As we edge sloppily into Spring, Hollywood has, as ever, trotted out its first would-be mega-hit of the year.
You heard that “would be” part, right?
Yup, poor Tim Riggins’ nascent film career as “that guy with the abs and the dreamy eyes” is gonna hit a little speedbump (possibly before getting t-boned by the utterly ridiculous-looking board game movie Battleship this Summer.) But it’s okay, Tim (I mean Tyler)- we here at Brannigan’s Law will always have clear eyes and full hearts for you. Even if you, you know, lose. And I mean lose big…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 10 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON
Look, we get that films are a family thing, a cultural pastime you should enjoy with the little ones in your life. If reading early can encourage a life of literacy, then watching movies early should make them better film watchers. Right? RIGHT? Aw damn who are we kidding. Hollywood produces a crap-tonage of movies for kids, either explicitly or implicitly, whether from the Dr. Seuss catalog, or just pulling a tried and true plot device out of the bin. Damn kids.
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 9 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON