Like the small boulders tumbling ahead of the inexorable avalanche, this week’s movies at the box office are enjoying their brief moment in the sun before being swept under.
Seriously, it’s like the guys who held the world title when Muhammad Ali was stripped of his title; sure, their name’s in the record books, but they’re not getting their own video game.
So head out to the cinemamegaplex this week, soak up some middling place holders in cool, uncrowded conditions, and watch the staff batten down the hatches, ‘cause the Summer officially begins next week.
And it’s wearing a cape…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 17 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
Well, our long national nightmare is finally over, as the weapon-wielding throngs of hot teens in leather tongs has, after a month at the top, succumbed to…a self-help book?
Yup, in the absence of anything better to do as they wait, slobberingly, for The Avengers next week, audiences semi-thronged to an African-American omnibus romantic roundelay based on the comedy stylings of standup (and Family Feud maven) Steve Harvey’s relationshippy humor tome Think Like a Man. Which should be an encouraging sign, in that the cast, director, and writer of the #1 movie in America are all black. Except, you know, that it costars a notorious woman-beater and isn’t supposed to be very good.
At least Tyler Perry wasn’t involved…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 16 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
As Hollywood continues to trot out sacrificial lambs to be photogenically-slaughtered by pretty teenagers (at least until The Avengers comes along), we’re in something of a holding pattern here in Power Rankings headquarters. Not that there’s not cinematic grist for our particular critical snark-mill…it’s just that the comedy bread this week is a little thin. Kinda mealy. Seriously, you’re gonna be hungry about an hour after devouring this week’s…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 15 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
But I kid the latest young adult fantasy franchise juggernaut we all must watch, as per court order.
All other contenders be but mere pretenders in the kingdom of the murderous teens murdering murderous teens, but we at Brannigan’s Law, as ever, vow to cast our gaze past the franchised billboards plastering the cinematic landscape and note the rise and fall of even the least hype-happy cinematic trope trying to grab some screen time. Even if destiny decrees that a huge heap of slaughtered Dr. Seuss characters, TV show adaptations, fallen would-be blockbusters, and assorted unheralded indie so-and-sos lay bleeding at the feet of some pretty teenagers…with your wallet in their sights.
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 12 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:
With the Lorax’s fuzzy, petrochemical-fueled deathgrip on the top spot starting to weaken, and John Carter’s Martian gravity-aided triple-jumps failing like Wile E. Coyote’s, the top spot this week belongs to a Starsky & Hutch-style spoof of an old TV show.
And while we hear it’s not the abysmal, soul-crushing butt-burger it by all rights should have been (note to Colombia Pictures: feel free to use that quote on the poster), we’re more than a little pants-crappingly terrified at the impending resurgence of crappy TV shows-turned movies this is going to unleash in the near future.
Boy Meets World: The Movie? Already optioned by Sony. Silver Spoons: The Movie? Rick Schroeder’s on board for a cameo. Just the Ten of Us: The Movie? Billy Ray Cyrus already has a treatment in place for his existing daughters and eight of his next ten ejaculations.
Hug your loved ones close and stock up on some canned goods, people- it’s gonna be a rough few years…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 11 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON
As we edge sloppily into Spring, Hollywood has, as ever, trotted out its first would-be mega-hit of the year.
You heard that “would be” part, right?
Yup, poor Tim Riggins’ nascent film career as “that guy with the abs and the dreamy eyes” is gonna hit a little speedbump (possibly before getting t-boned by the utterly ridiculous-looking board game movie Battleship this Summer.) But it’s okay, Tim (I mean Tyler)- we here at Brannigan’s Law will always have clear eyes and full hearts for you. Even if you, you know, lose. And I mean lose big…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 10 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON
New comedy from the director of a cult favorite! The least-convincing serial killer-hunter in recent memory! The nakedest propaganda since WWII! Precipitous box office drops test the mettle of three of our most grizzled leading men! That and more in this week’s Plot Device Power Rankings!
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 8 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON
Now, we’re not saying that Hollywood screenwriting, for the most part, comes down to a simple re-jiggering of well-nigh-exhausted formulae, but…
Oh wait, yes we are…
There’s something for everyone in this week’s crop of recycled crap fine film offerings at your local megaplex. Aging action stars! Suspiciously-familiar syrupy romance! The Rock sequel-ing all over the place! And it’s all brand new! You know, if you don’t look to hard…
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 6 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON!
The 2012 box office continues to plod along, splashing in puddles while its studio parents, with mounting irritation, try to hurry it along because it’s getting late and jacuzzi payments are coming due. Belabored metaphors aside, ain’t no one goin’ to the movies these days. Could it be that this year’s movies, relying as they have on certain hackneyed plot devices, are uniformly disappointing? Naaaah- can’t be that. I blame the critics.
So, in this week’s utterly critic-proof crop plot devices, we’ve got a child star dressing up in gran’pa’s suit, low budget superheroes, aquatic mammalian feelgoodery, and more!
PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 5 of the 2012 Movie Season!