May 8, 2012
Plot device power rankings: Summer movies assembled edition

Guess what happened in theaters? Geeks won, the universe was tipped out of balance and something Joss Whedon made chalked up more than $200 million in just three days. So, either this is the end of days or we’ve reached a shiny new era of cinema bliss. I’m betting on that apocalypse thing. Good thing there’s a team of civically minded heroes ready to fight back evil.

Summer just started, and it’s likely going to destroy Manhattan again. And again.

PLOT DEVICE POWER RANKINGS for WEEK 18 of the 2012 MOVIE SEASON:

1. ASSEMBLED. Somewhere the Justice League just got back from a matinee and is very sad. Stop crying Aquaman, you’ll just dry yourself out. (Last week: N/A.)

2. You know, just your average fish-out-of-water story, complete with a hilarious authoritarian regime and matching costumes. Captain America gets this reference. (Last week: N/A)

3. Tim Riggins fights animals on a pathetic, non-flying helicarrier (Last week: On the Streets of Candyland)

4. Jason Segel and Emily Blunt go on the greatest adventure ever: Sweet mediocrity and poor release date scheduling. (Last week: 1)

5. Jason Statham doesn’t fling a shield at bad guys, just the rib cages of his dispatched enemies. (Last week: 4)

6. Edgar Allen Poe must confront his emotions and stop a killer. Bruce Banner does not approve. (Last week: 2)

7. Kids viciously murder each other, Black Widow scolds them for doing it wrong. (Last week: 5)

8. Are we sure Steve Harvey isn’t another manifestation of Loki’s plan? (Last week: 6)

9. Nick Fury fixes a sandwich, threatens Zac Efron for wasting everyone’s time by playing a heart sick soldier. (Last week: 8)

10. Pirates can be cute AND dangerous, or, give your kids a movie without Thor/Loki-sized sibling tension. (Last week: 7)

Holding steady this week:

19. What will these kids do with this newfound power?

27. The government, always so sneaky with the weapons and such!

31. Near future drama where Steve Jobsian figure threatens the existence of humanity.

36. The Tweet came FROM WITHIN THE HOUSE!

53. We’ve learned so much about ourselves from this foreign culture we’ve visited and now will forget about again

56. White people have problems too.

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